Stress

I hate stress...everything about it just frustrates me. Feeling rushed when there are things planned, having plans change...throwing other obstacles into the plans. I hate it, I despise it and I do not handle stress well. My head hurts, I feel aggitated and it surely doesn't help that my monthly is about to rear her nasty head.

I just want this weekend to be over with already...I want Halloween to be done and Alexander's party to be over. Then, I can relax...or at least try to.

Another year older

Goodness...tomorrow I turn 26. Seems like I was JUST turning 25. Now I am really getting close to 30. The only difference between last year and this year. I am happy this year and I actually forsee a good decent future ahead of me. Last year I was hidden away...one year ago tonight Wyatt and I had a fight and I ended up with a black eye. This year, Michael already told me he just wants to hold me and make my birthday a special occasion. This man is absolutely amazing and treats me way too well.

It's the little things...

It's the little gestures that people do for one another that amaze me. Michael's grandmother sent him a gift...so small and meaningless to her, but it had a major impact of him. It was a photo...not just any photo, but one of his mother Julie and himself. I had never seen his mother before now...she passed away when he was only 7-8 years old. I watched in wonder while he peered at the picture...gently holding it in his hands. The look in his eyes...hurt, pain and love. I noticed the gentle mist of tears in his eyes as he traced his finger over her image. I sit here typing this getting all teary eyed. Those moments of silence as he looked at the image of his mother. He holds a lot of pain inside himself...Julie is a subject we really don't speak of. I've asked about her, and I know those last few months were hard and definately not something a child his age should ever have had to help through. His life fell apart the day his mom left this world. She was his everything, and he was hers.

I sit back and look at her picture and see such a resemblance between Michael and his mother Julie. He has her nose, her eyes, her mouth, her facial features.

It truly is the little things...even photographs...for some they may be just a picture of people on a paper...to others, it may mean the world.

Sunday...the day of relaxation?

With my kids, I think not. Sunday is the ONE day I do not work during the week. The ONE day that I could possibly sleep in and rest to regain strength. Do they sleep in or allow me to sleep in? NO. The boys woke up super early this morning, thus meaning I can't sleep. Although...on the plus side, baby girl is still sleeping. Michael can't be up with them cause he worked til close last night and he works again tonight so he needs his sleep.

Just one weekend...I want to be able to sleep in as long as I want. No kids hollering at me, no kids fighting...just silence and sleep. I miss those days sometimes.

But at the same time I wouldn't trade my kids for the world. They mean everything to me and I love them very VERY much.

Got a birthday party to plan for my oldest son. Turning 7 here in just a couple weeks. His party is on November 1st. That's really soon if you think about it. Then again my birthday is next week! AHHHH.

Two days off work

I have had the past two days off work due to the flu. I probably could have went today, but I still can't seem to eat. It hit my whole family hard. Where on earth does the illness come from?? I was talking to my fiance about this last night. We have three kids. One goes to daycare, one to headstart, the other in first grade....three kids, three different environments which are potential for viruses. Then there is myself and Michael..we both work...at two different places around people. There are more factors. Then if you figure in how my children's father had them last weekend, they were in another environment. There father works around lots of people. My sister works in fast food around people as does her fiance...there is another 3 possible locations. So if you add up how many people they are around, and the people they are around are around, it could be a damn epidemic!

Justice?

Does 'justice' exist in this country anymore? I have been in and out of court since February, I have seen this so called justice system at work. Honestly, there isn't justice for those who truly deserve it. I have seen abused women walk away without granted restraining orders only to see them back in court the following month because the abuser attacked them again because the court did not grant their request for a restraining order. At what point does someone say "Hey, this isn't right, we have to make things different."

I sit back and watch friends...close friends deal with their ex spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends and most of these have children involved. The circumstances vary with all of them...some married, some not...It seems that all of us are getting screwed over. The mothers go after child support...hell even I am guilty of that. BUT there is a line there. If the man is WILLING to support his child, the court system and the mother shouldn't ream them over...taking all their money and ruining them. In my case, my children's father doesn't want to support his kids at all...so yes, I am getting him for child support. BUT I am doing it in a way that doesn't screw him over completely. The state is asking $567 I told him I would take $450-$500. It just sickens me that there are GOOD fathers out there who want to do more for their children but the courts and the mothers won't let them.

My one friends wife had him thrown in jail...she tried taking his car, his house...EVERYTHING. He loves his daughter to fucking pieces...yet her mother is just trying to take him for more and more and he is very willing to make sure she has everything she needs...her mother too!

It's just aggrivating...justice is not justice anymore, and it's sad.

Down on his knee he asked me to share my life with him

I haven't blogged in a couple days...but let me tell you I do have a lot to say!

Monday was probably one of the biggest days of my life. My lover, boyfriend, best friend, room mate, soulmate...he made the ultimate decision to share his life with me.

I had been working...I was feeling sick with a sore throat, I had a fever, my kidney hurt...I felt like el crapola. I had just finished mopping the floors at work and was seriously a sweaty mess. I went outside to take out the trash and he was out there. He said "You aren't supposed to be out here yet go back upstairs and I'll be up in a minute." I was thinking to myself...ok...what the hell is he doing I just wanna go home LOL. I go upstairs and he says "so where is everyone?" (the only person up there was a girl I work with, she was staying til 4 doing her closing stuff) I told him they all had left. He says "oh. Well I was kind of wondering..." he got down on his knee, "if you would marry me." OMG I tell you what I felt butterflies, happiness, warm fuzzy you name it all at the same time as I said "YES!!" He even had me a ring!!!! It says Always and Forever on it. We always say "Always and Forever" to one another. It has a small little diamond inside it and it twirls..yes, you heard me, it twirls!!

I love this man so much. I loved him from the moment I laid eyes on him, and even in his 8 year absence I still missed him and loved him. Now that he is back, I never want to let him go. He is my other half, my soulmate, the missing piece to my heart. Forever we shall spend our lives as one. Soo...on October 31st, 2009 I shall become Mrs. Livezey. Ahh that sounds AMAZING!

Worst pain imaginable

For the past almost year, I have had problems with my right kidney. From infections to passing stones...it just doesn't get any better. Friday night was no different..only it was definately the worst pain I have ever felt in my whole entire life. The pain started about 8pm...just cramping at first. I tried to move around a bit trying to see if moving would make it stop...it didn't. Around 9:30pm it got bad and I started feeling sick to my stomache. I called my mother and told her that I was feeling bad and that I really thought I needed to go to the emergency room. She said they would be here in a few minutes. By the time it took them to get here I was throwing up in the bathroom and could barely move. On the way to the hospital I kept getting sick...my dad had to wheel me into the hospital with a chair. I was in horrid pain.

I got an IV and they gave me some medication to try and keep me from throwing up...it didn't work. They then gave me some pain medication. It knocked me on my ass. I fell asleep and was out for the longest time. They came in and took me for a CAT scan which I barely even remember. When she brought me back into the room I passed back out. I'm not sure how much time passed but I awoke to see my boyfriend walking through the door. Seeing him walk in made me feel so safe because I truely was scared. The look of concern on his face broke my heart, but I was so grateful to have him there with me to help protect me. He held my hand and kissed my forehead. The pain started to come back and they gave me more medication. I went out again...Michael sat there for almost 2 hours just holding my hand keeping watch on me.

I love this man so much. The pain is still here, but the oxycodone they gave me is helping a little bit. I still wish I didn't have to go through this. I don't know what is wrong with my kidney. I just want it to stop forever. I want the pain gone....

Where does the time go?

Today is October 1st. Where on earth has the time gone? In a couple short weeks it will be 9 months since my ex husband and I split. 9 months!! This has been a crazy, yet productive year. I've found my true love again, I've accomplished SO much. My life truely is beautiful now...and yet it's passing by too quickly. The years are going it seems like in the blink of an eye. I just want to hold time down and make it pass a little less quickly. My children have gone from babies to full grown independent children... My oldest is even almost as tall as I am and he is only going to be turning 7!! (I am 5'2)

I guess I have just taken things for granted for so long. That's not how I want my life to be.