Please help

To whomever reads this,
My family and I are in need of help. We have run out of ideas and options and were hoping that someone, somewhere could offer advice. The short version of all this is that, I was married for 5 years, together we have had three children ages 7, 4 and 2. He was abusive and cheated a lot so I left him and took the kids to live in a Domestic Violence Shelter here in our home town. Our divorce was finalized on 11/26/2008. Here's the problem. My fiance Michael lives with myself and my three children. Our income together is over the required minimum amount for the children to recieve medical and food from the state. We are at a loss now that they lost those benifits. Once our paychecks come in, it is already gone because of all the bills we have (electric $200, water $60, phones $100, house hold neccessities $150, childrens neccessities $50, Daycare $150 every 2 weeks, Internet $75, money to the state $100, pet food and supplies $100 and credit card $75). You do the math when we bring home only $1400-1800 a month (my hours are NOT regular so one week I could have more hours than the other two weeks combined). I have to pay back $1000 to state because I was recieving TANF (temporary assistance for needy families) during the divorce and the state messed up giving me over the amount I was supposed to, so I have to pay that back. The childsupport hasn't started coming in yet, for what reason I don't know but they have been taking it out of my ex husbands paycheck since September. Now he doesn't have a job therefor childsupport WON'T be coming in. Neither my fiance or I have a license, in order to get one we have to have a legal vehicle, which we cant do that without insurance which we can't do that without having a license. See the dilemma there? In the divorce I lost the house, my ex is putting it up for sale...so on top of all this other stuff we have to move. With the insurance being shut off, my 4 year old is due to have surgery and now we don't even know if the insurance will still be covered for his surgery. There has to be something that we can do for just awhile until we get on our feet. That's all we want is something that will help us til we get in the position of where we need to be and where we want to be. But we have no idea where to look or how to go about it. I am asking for help, not money, just advice. If you have any ideas, suggestions or whatever PLEASE comment, message or email me.

Thank you for your time,
Marilyn

May have lost my true love

I am sure all my blog readers are aware of the fate that the court has dealt to me. This has taken a huge toll on me and obviously my family. I keep thinking of what it's doing to Michael..how is he handling all of this. Today I broke up with him.

I had gotten off work and we were talking before he had to leave for work. I gave him back his ring and told him I couldn't marry him. I can't stand seeing him hurt, and him being with me going through this situation IS making him hurt. I've had time to consult with friends since then and to think more...and now I realize I am just being selfish. Now, I think it might be too late. I texted and got no response. I don't blame him for being upset with me. I'd be upset with me too. Here I try to keep him from hurting, and apparently I hurt him just as much if not more.

I just want our family to work...but Wyatt is making things so hard for everyone involved. All he cares about is money. He doesn't care about the kids.

So here I sit...not knowing whether my love is coming home or not all because I turned him away. I did this...and I regret it. I may just very well have lost the one true love in my life.

The battle was lost

I'm not usually a fighter, more of a lover if I do say so myself. Since January I have had to buck up and become the fighter that I don't really like being. I don't like conflict and I want things done quickly without fighting. When I left my soon to be ex husband...that was a fight I never thought I would walk away from.

These past several months I have been passive. I haven't fought for what needed to be done...I let him walk all over me. Until I realized, I was screwing my children out of what THEY need. I tried to be nice and not fight for the tax money. I was even nice and let him see the kids during MY weekends. But today...during our hearing...he stooped to a low sooo low that I still can't seem to come to grips with it. In ten months, I have not recieved a dime in child support. I was recieving TANF to compensate for that... He is fighting the state of Missouri for my TANF. He says that he shouldn't have to pay it. So now, the judge has ordered ME to pay half. Yes, you heard that correctly...I have to pay half when he hasn't even paid child support in ten months! Not only that, but he tried to tell the court that my fiance has been living here the whole time. NOT so. I didn't even FIND my fiance again until June...and he was still working in Wisconsin in July!! So he has only been here a couple months. (Long story, I'll explain some other time)

I fail to see how having to pay my ex husband money is justice? He should have paid it all along because he hasn't supported his three kids in MONTHS. Michael and I have bought everything they have needed...medicine, clothes, school supplies and paid for daycare. Has their biological father? NO.

I don't understand how a man who really doesn't give two shits about his kids could win a case like t his. I don't fucking understand it! I have fought and FOUGHT. I lived in a domestic violence shelter for a couple months and yet...HE wins. He got out of the restraining order, he got the house, he got over ten thousand in income tax money, he got two new lap top computers, a 2007 Dodge Charger, a new digital camera, an apartment, new wardrobe and a big screen tv...and that's just the things I know about!!!!

It's not fair...it truly is not fair.

My trying night.

Last night was amazing at first. Michael and I had the kids in daycare so we went to walmart and did some much needed Christmas shopping. Our moods were light, free and flirtatious. It was truly a wonderful time, just holding hands, laughing and being with him. The day had been perfect. We went and picked up the children...that's when things turned for the worse.

Ten years ago Michael got a ticket for excessive use of the left lane up in Green County. Add to the fact that he doesn't have a valid license nor do we have insurance on our vehicle (or legal tags either) He tried all day yesterday to get the damn van legal...we got it inspected and he was going to go take his drivers test, but because of Veteran's Day everything was closed...

Well...as we are driving home, we passed a police officer. Instantly, she spun around and Michael told me she was going to pull us over. Sure enough she did. At first we didn't know about the warrant. (He had called the day before and Polk County said he didn't have any...apparently they just checked Polk County) She comes up to the car, and he tells her the truth that he doesn't have a license or anything. Her whole attitude turned bitchy. Up comes another police car...not even ten minutes later she asks him to step out of the van. My heart stopped, my eyes filled with tears as I watched them take my fiance behind the van and handcuff him. My heart just shattered. The kids instantly freaked out and started crying as well thinking that Michael was going to be hurt. The lady police officer came over to my side and told me to get out and that I needed to go home. I told her I had three kids with me...she asked their ages and I told her 2-7 years old. She said I needed to leave the van here. It was cold...and she made us walk. She was at least nice enough to see how upset we all were and she let us give Michael a hug and kiss before we left. We walked to my mom's house...it was the closest I could get to. I called my ex husband to take us home...he came and was decent. I was hysterical at that point and ended up getting sick in the street. He took us home and at that point I realized I needed to head back to my moms because my phone had gotten wet from my tears and it wasn't working so I couldn't even call to bail him out!! So he took me back over. My sister and her fiance watched the kids while I went and met with my friend Angel who took me up to the police station.

We get there and they were bringing Michael out...The officer (the same one) allowed for me to kiss him again...he had called his aunt and she was on her way to the jail to bail him out. Angel drove me to the jail where I sat for hours until they were ready to release him.

After his release I asked him if he was scared at all...and he said not for himself because bad things don't happen to good people...but that he was scared for me and the kids because he seen how upset we all were. The kids were THRILLED when we went and got them.

Now things are going to be rough...it took $695 all together to get everything taken care of. We have NO money...we are screwed really. Our water hasn't been paid, and neither has our electric yet...and now this.

Last night we just held each other...I was emotional from all of this and just being near him made me feel sooo much better.

I think my ex husband finally realized how much the kids and I care about Michael...and I don't think he minds all that much. It's weird because he instantly came in a heartbeat when I called him.

My Michael is home, he's safe and I love him. That's all that matters now...we are back together.

I just don't understand.

After almost 10 months of fighting and arguing, why does my soon to be ex husband want to fight STILL?? The divorce is to be final next week, yet he still tries to latch in and bring me down. What is the purpose? All this fighting now...why? Because I switched the electricity over into my own name. What is the big fuckin deal? Apparently, I screwed him over. I don't understand..maybe I am not meant to? So now, he takes it out on our children by refusing to visit them this weekend...not just ANY weekend..but our sons birthday weekend. Our son was thrilled to see his daddy this weekend. Now what? He flakes out on them once again. Again..and again...time after time. My children do not deserve this life! He is so inconsistent and unstable...they deserve the best. I WILL give them the best!!!

Stress

I hate stress...everything about it just frustrates me. Feeling rushed when there are things planned, having plans change...throwing other obstacles into the plans. I hate it, I despise it and I do not handle stress well. My head hurts, I feel aggitated and it surely doesn't help that my monthly is about to rear her nasty head.

I just want this weekend to be over with already...I want Halloween to be done and Alexander's party to be over. Then, I can relax...or at least try to.

Another year older

Goodness...tomorrow I turn 26. Seems like I was JUST turning 25. Now I am really getting close to 30. The only difference between last year and this year. I am happy this year and I actually forsee a good decent future ahead of me. Last year I was hidden away...one year ago tonight Wyatt and I had a fight and I ended up with a black eye. This year, Michael already told me he just wants to hold me and make my birthday a special occasion. This man is absolutely amazing and treats me way too well.

It's the little things...

It's the little gestures that people do for one another that amaze me. Michael's grandmother sent him a gift...so small and meaningless to her, but it had a major impact of him. It was a photo...not just any photo, but one of his mother Julie and himself. I had never seen his mother before now...she passed away when he was only 7-8 years old. I watched in wonder while he peered at the picture...gently holding it in his hands. The look in his eyes...hurt, pain and love. I noticed the gentle mist of tears in his eyes as he traced his finger over her image. I sit here typing this getting all teary eyed. Those moments of silence as he looked at the image of his mother. He holds a lot of pain inside himself...Julie is a subject we really don't speak of. I've asked about her, and I know those last few months were hard and definately not something a child his age should ever have had to help through. His life fell apart the day his mom left this world. She was his everything, and he was hers.

I sit back and look at her picture and see such a resemblance between Michael and his mother Julie. He has her nose, her eyes, her mouth, her facial features.

It truly is the little things...even photographs...for some they may be just a picture of people on a paper...to others, it may mean the world.

Sunday...the day of relaxation?

With my kids, I think not. Sunday is the ONE day I do not work during the week. The ONE day that I could possibly sleep in and rest to regain strength. Do they sleep in or allow me to sleep in? NO. The boys woke up super early this morning, thus meaning I can't sleep. Although...on the plus side, baby girl is still sleeping. Michael can't be up with them cause he worked til close last night and he works again tonight so he needs his sleep.

Just one weekend...I want to be able to sleep in as long as I want. No kids hollering at me, no kids fighting...just silence and sleep. I miss those days sometimes.

But at the same time I wouldn't trade my kids for the world. They mean everything to me and I love them very VERY much.

Got a birthday party to plan for my oldest son. Turning 7 here in just a couple weeks. His party is on November 1st. That's really soon if you think about it. Then again my birthday is next week! AHHHH.

Two days off work

I have had the past two days off work due to the flu. I probably could have went today, but I still can't seem to eat. It hit my whole family hard. Where on earth does the illness come from?? I was talking to my fiance about this last night. We have three kids. One goes to daycare, one to headstart, the other in first grade....three kids, three different environments which are potential for viruses. Then there is myself and Michael..we both work...at two different places around people. There are more factors. Then if you figure in how my children's father had them last weekend, they were in another environment. There father works around lots of people. My sister works in fast food around people as does her fiance...there is another 3 possible locations. So if you add up how many people they are around, and the people they are around are around, it could be a damn epidemic!